Juggling multiple life goals plays a larger toll than one could expect. I am currently in the first semester of my last year (hopefully) of graduate school. As has been noted throughout my blog, I take creative expression as a serious part of my identity.
But I had a break… more so, a break down. No, it wasn’t a lapse in my everyday life where I’m left sitting in my room with a Netflix series playing to an un-listening audience with a messy room littered with empty and half consumed alcoholic beverages. I, at least, know how to recover from that. My break from the everyday that left me distressed, is the realization that creativity was no longer the center of life. For the past month, it has felt like I haven’t written anything of substance, drawn any pictures I’ve been proud of. For my birthday, I bought myself a guitar with the intent to expand my creative expression. Even that has been pushed to the wayside. And I haven’t known how to get back into them.
Something that initially consumed my will to express myself through creativity is an intense fear of failure. With my creativity, I have come to realize that I’ve slowly built my concept of art into an unattainable monument. Within the past week, I’ve come to the realization that I have started to treat creativity the way I used to several years ago; a means with no ends. This mindset has pushed me to a near aversion to non- academic writing and a month of being unable to sketch more than a generic face.
It was then that I realized that I needed a break. I started to try and stop seeing these moments as repressive and more as a needed, and well deserved, break from the mental strain that I had built creativity to mean. Before this week, I felt as if I had loss a big part of my identity, the part that I appreciated the most. There is no answer that this post is making. If anything, this has been the first time that I have been honest with myself, in this regard. However, I still hope that this post is a means to help someone else who may have had to deal with something similar. I’m still working through this funk, but I feel that vocalizing (or writing) these feelings is the best way for me to work through it.